How to Break the Cycle of Anxiety and Avoidance
Have you ever canceled plans because you felt anxious? Avoided making a phone call? Put off starting a project because you were afraid of failing? Or skipped a social event because you worried about what others would think?
If so, you are not alone.
Avoidance is one of the most common responses to anxiety, and it makes sense. When something feels overwhelming, our brain wants to help us feel safe. Avoiding the situation often gives us immediate relief.
The problem is that the relief is temporary. Over time, avoidance can actually teach your brain that the situation really was dangerous, making anxiety even stronger the next time.
This is sometimes referred to as the vicious cycle of anxiety and avoidance.
The Anxiety Trap
The cycle often looks something like this:
- You anticipate a situation.
Maybe it is giving a presentation, going to a party, speaking up in a meeting, making a phone call, or trying something unfamiliar. - Your brain predicts danger.
Thoughts might show up like:- “I am going to embarrass myself.”
- “I will not be able to cope.”
- “Something bad is going to happen.”
- “Everyone will notice that I am anxious.”
- Your body reacts.
Your heart might race. Your stomach may tighten. Your muscles tense. You might feel shaky, hot, dizzy, nauseous, or overwhelmed. Your mind starts looking for a way out. - You avoid the situation or find a way to escape.
Maybe you cancel your plans, leave early, stay quiet, procrastinate, ask someone else to do it, or decide you will try again when you feel less anxious. - You feel relief.
Your anxiety decreases, at least temporarily.
And that relief is powerful.
Your brain may learn:
“Avoiding worked. That situation must really have been dangerous.”
The next time a similar situation comes up, your brain remembers what happened and sends out the anxiety alarm again.
Why Avoidance Can Make Anxiety Grow
Avoidance works incredibly well in the short term.
If you are anxious about attending a social event and decide to stay home, you will probably feel some immediate relief. You no longer have to worry about what you will say, whether you will feel awkward, or what other people might think.
But you also miss the opportunity to learn something new.
Maybe you would have felt uncomfortable for the first 20 minutes and then relaxed. Maybe you would have had one conversation you really enjoyed. Maybe you would have discovered that nobody was paying as much attention to you as your anxiety predicted.
Or maybe it would have been uncomfortable, but you would have learned that you could handle being uncomfortable.
When we repeatedly avoid situations that make us anxious, we do not get the opportunity to collect new information.
Over time, the list of things we avoid can grow.
This pattern can show up with many different experiences, including:
- Social anxiety
- Panic attacks
- Generalized anxiety
- OCD
- Health anxiety
- Phobias
- Performance anxiety
Anxiety can slowly convince us that the safest option is to make our world smaller.
What About Safety Behaviors?
Avoidance is not always obvious.
Sometimes we still do the thing we are afraid of, but we rely heavily on behaviors that help us feel safer.
These are sometimes called safety behaviors.
They might include:
- Constantly checking your phone during a social event
- Sitting close to an exit
- Only attending something if a particular person comes with you
- Repeatedly asking others for reassurance
- Over preparing because you are terrified of making a mistake
- Mentally rehearsing everything you are going to say
- Leaving as soon as anxiety starts to increase
Safety behaviors are understandable. They are attempts to cope with something that feels threatening.
The difficulty is that they can sometimes reinforce the belief that you could not have handled the situation without them.
Instead of learning, “I was anxious and I handled it,” your brain might learn, “I only survived because I sat by the door.”
You Do Not Have to Face Your Biggest Fear Tomorrow
Learning to approach anxiety does not mean forcing yourself into the most terrifying situation you can imagine.
In fact, smaller steps can be incredibly powerful.
One way to do this is by creating a comfort ladder.
What Is a Comfort Ladder?
A comfort ladder breaks something that feels overwhelming into smaller, more manageable steps.
Imagine someone who feels anxious about going to the grocery store because they worry about becoming overwhelmed or running into someone they know.
Instead of immediately expecting themselves to complete a long shopping trip during the busiest time of day, they could create a comfort ladder.
It might look something like this:
- Go to the grocery store parking lot and stay for a few minutes.
- Walk into the store and browse briefly.
- Buy one or two items during a quieter time.
- Complete a short shopping trip independently.
- Stay long enough to complete a full grocery list.
- Complete a shopping trip during a busier time.
Everyone’s ladder will look different.
Something that feels like a two out of ten for one person might feel like an eight out of ten for someone else. The goal is to find steps that feel challenging but manageable.
As you practice, your brain gets opportunities to learn something different:
“I can feel anxious and still handle this.”
You do not necessarily have to wait until a step feels completely comfortable before moving forward. Anxiety may still be present, and that is okay.
The goal is not always to make anxiety disappear.
The goal is to learn that anxiety is something you can experience without automatically needing to escape it.
Making Room for Anxiety
Sometimes we get caught in another trap: believing we have to get rid of anxiety before we can do something.
“I will go when I feel less anxious.”
“I will speak up when I feel more confident.”
“I will try once I stop overthinking it.”
But waiting to feel completely ready can become another form of avoidance.
Sometimes confidence comes from doing something while you are still nervous and discovering that you can handle what happens next.
You can feel anxious and still go.
You can feel uncertain and still make a decision.
You can feel uncomfortable and still stay.
You can be afraid and still take the next step on your comfort ladder.
When Anxiety Starts Making Your World Smaller
Avoidance becomes particularly important to pay attention to when anxiety starts interfering with the life you want to live.
Maybe you are turning down opportunities you actually want. Maybe relationships are becoming harder to maintain. Maybe school, work, errands, appointments, or everyday responsibilities feel increasingly difficult.
Therapy can provide a space to understand what is underneath the anxiety and identify the patterns that may unintentionally be keeping it going.
Together, you can begin building manageable steps toward the things that matter to you.
You do not have to eliminate anxiety before you start living your life.
Sometimes, learning that you can live your life with anxiety present is exactly what begins to loosen its grip.
Anxiety may encourage your world to become smaller. Healing can look like slowly helping it grow again, one manageable step at a time.
If you’re considering working with a therapist in Denver, Rocky Mountain Relational Therapy serves Denver and surrounding communities including Alta Vista Area, Arvada Plaza Area, Scenic Heights, Lamar Heights, Allendale Area, Rainbow Ridge, Club Crest, Highlands, Northwest Arvada, Wheat Ridge. The first step is to schedule a free initial consultation; that way you can get a feel for us and decide whether we’re best placed to help you. Simply visit our booking page to schedule your consultation.