How to Actually Love Yourself and Your Feelings
When it comes to painful emotions, we have all heard the advice, “Get over it”, “Try not to think about it”, “Don’t be sad”, “Cheer up”, “No use crying over spilled milk.” These responses are not very helpful when you’re dealing with something difficult. When you express your feelings to others and receive this reaction, it can be very invalidating. You took a risk to be open about your experience, and what you received in return is the underlying message, “You shouldn’t feel that way.”
It is also possible that you speak to yourself in a similar way. You’re feeling something painful and your mind immediately goes to, “This hurts…I don’t want to feel this…I shouldn’t be feeling this…Something is wrong with me.”
These kinds of responses to negative emotions often make us feel much worse. We feel ashamed and bad for having the feelings in the first place. We might think there is something wrong with us and our negative core beliefs pop to the surface, such as: I’m broken, I’m defective, I’m unlovable, I’m unworthy, and I’m not good enough.
On the other side of the spectrum, we may have been told, “Just love yourself!”
But how do we actually do that!?
We need to find a way to be with uncomfortable emotions in a compassionate way while also loving ourselves for being the perfectly imperfect humans that we are. The best way I have found to accomplish this is Mindful Self-Compassion (Neff et al, 2018), a scientifically proven approach to achieving self-love and acceptance of what is. This approach has been systematized and pioneered by Dr. Kristin Neff, and I credit much of this article to her decades worth of work.
In this article, I will give a brief overview of Mindful Self-Compassion and how you can begin your self-love journey.
Learning Mindful Self-Compassion
When you practice mindful self-compassion, the intention is radical acceptance and compassion for yourself, not with the intention to make painful emotions go away. When you struggle, you give yourself compassion because you feel bad. All experiences, even pain, are worthy and valid. And all experiences are temporary. You don’t have to force difficult feelings to go away, you simply learn to ride the wave and love yourself through it. The emotions will dissipate on their own and in the process, if you stay relaxed and open, they can provide you some useful information along the way!
Here are the basic steps:
1. Identify what you’re feeling
- Tune into the sensations arising in your body. Ask what wants to be felt. This can be very uncomfortable at times, so remember to breathe deeply.
- Allow yourself to feel the emotion as a physical sensation with curiosity and non-judgment.
- If at any point this feels too overwhelming or brings up traumatic memories/symptoms, please stop and do some self-soothing.
2. Label your emotions
- As you notice your physical sensations, see if you can label them with an emotion word. For example, tightness in the chest or belly is often anxiety.
3. Soften
- Choose a single location in your body where you are experiencing the most sensation (i.e. chest, shoulders, jaw, or belly)
- Soften into that area. Let the muscles soften, letting them relax, as if in warm water. Breathe…relax….breathe…relax
4. Practice self-validation
Yes, talk to yourself 🙂 Identify your Inner Nurturer/Higher Self, the wise and compassionate part of you. From the part of the Inner Nurturer, validate the part that’s experiencing the painful emotion.
- “It’s OK to feel sad and lonely. Every thought, sensation, and emotion is understandable and is a universal human experience”.
**You may not yet believe this statement or any of the following statements. They may feel incredibly foreign to you and may even trigger some anger or resistance. If we have never been spoken to this way before, that makes perfect sense and is normal.
Pick a few statements (or make your own!) that feel the most believable. Give yourself compassion for how hard it is to speak to yourself in this way.
If you have trouble with this and the following steps, connect to your feelings of love for a beloved family member, friend, or pet. How would you speak to them?
5. Reinforce the alliance between your Inner Nurturer and the emotional part that feels stuck
The Inner Nurturer is here and ready to help. Try placing a hand on your heart and saying these compassionate statements:
- “I am here with you now. Everything will be alright”
- “You are never alone – I am always here with you”
- “You are always safe with me”
- “We will get through this together”
- “I love and care about you”
- “I love you just as you are”
- “You don’t have to be perfect for me to love you”
- “We’ll get through this together. I’m right by your side”
6.) Meet Your Needs
You deserve to have your needs met.
Ask: “In this situation, what do I need?”
I often find it helpful to refer to the list of Universal Human Needs below:
For those wishing to go deeper with this approach, I recommend purchasing the Mindful Self- Compassion Workbook (Neff et al, 2018) and/or working with a therapist trained in mindful self-compassion (such as myself).
The process of learning to truly love yourself and your emotions is challenging yet totally in your reach! It takes commitment and repetition to rewire neural pathways that have been in place for many years. But the payoff is so worth it. Happy Loving!
References
Neff, Kristin, et al. The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook: A Proven Way to Accept Yourself, Build Inner Strength, and Thrive. Guilford Publications, 2018.
Inbal, Miki, and Amina Kashtan, 2014. https://thefearlessheart.org/nvc-reference-materials/list-of-needs/
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